Tuesday, March 19, 2013

For the Love of My Boys.

Perhaps I am over sensitive or maybe just very observant it seems to me that especially lately, I am reminded constantly how while I may be a mother I did not give birth to my boys, that our family was blessed though adoption.  Mainly this friendly reminder has come via Facebook.  Through different posts and those dang e cards.

However, this week it became even more evident when I received a message from the boys birth father.  We have always had a relationship with their birth mother.  This has been met with a wide array of reactions from others, especially given that we were involved with the foster care system and not a traditional domestic adoption.

My concern is not what others thought (with the exception of my husband) but rather that of my boys.      We sat down, evaluated the situation an determined that in this case it was "safe" to remain in contact with the boys birth family.  They all loved them very much and how could more positive love for a child be bad?  Has it always been easy?  No, I can truthfully say it has not but  all of us involved have been determined for it to be a positive thing for the boys and THAT is what is most important.

But now, we have a new piece to this puzzle.  Someone who has not been active in their lives and my feelings and emotions are so mixed.  While I have reached out for contact before it was to no avail and it crushed my heart.  How could someone look at the boys and not fight with every ounce in their body to want to be a part of their lives.  But I tell myself that sometimes people are just at places in their lives where they are unable to deal with certain situations, for whatever reasons, and for that time he had issues prohibiting him from stepping up and being any sort of figure for them.

That's what I tell my brain, my heart on the other hand is still hurt.  To me, the absence and lack of trying is a direct violation against boys and that in turn wounds me.  So now I sit here with the message still in my inbox, awaiting a response.  Every time I go to answer my response goes from anger to acceptance to some sort of uncertain reply.  In my mind all 3 are most certainly appropriate and deserved but are they right?

I need to forgive, it's the hardest thing in the world but I need to do it.  Even if nothing comes of it as far as involvement in their lives.  I have done it once before and it was the hardest thing in this world but I know if I did not do it, these boys would not be here right now, playing under a makeshift fort that was seconds ago my kitchen table.  I know that any involvement would be extremely limited (letters and pictures) for a while until I can trust that my boys are safe in this situation, which may be years, who knows.  But this is such a heavy weight on my heart right now.  Push aside my grief, resentment and hesitation for the love of my boys.

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