Well that escalated quickly!

Yesterday Sam took Caleb to the Opthamologist. We had received a referral to one because we had noticed Caleb's left eye sometimes wanders off a little (as seen in this picture)

Sam called me before he even left the visit. "It's not good" he said, "It's not good". I had been laying down since I was sick and it took me a minute to wake up and understand him. He told me that they said he had calcium behind his eye and also some bleeding. His retina was also detached. "He might be blind" is all I was left with before Sam said he had to go, that the Dr was coming back in the room. About and hour or so later Sam and Caleb came come. Of course, Caleb was as happy as could be. He ran up to me screaming "Mommy!!!" and ran to play with his brother. Sam passed me some paperwork, the heading on it read "COAT'S DISEASE".

 As I read though the information, the paper got blurry and suddenly moist. I couldn't believe what I was reading. How did we go from thinking our child had something as small as a lazy eye to having blindness and evening possibly losing his eye? I started researching Coat's disease using http://www.coatsdisease.org/index.html . We spent all night going though the website, getting information and also looking through our pictures. I have a DSLR and I really dislike using my flash to take pictures so I try to shoot in natural light, so I have very few that have a flash in the picture. However, we were able to find 2 pictures that supported evidence of Coat's disease. One around 18 months or so and another at about 2 1/2 years.

As you can see in both of these pictures, Caleb's left eye has a reflective, whitish to yellowish quality to it (the first picture with the red eye on the right eye is normal). Sammy and I felt as if we had punched in the gut when we saw this. How could we not have noticed this when we took the pictures? How did it not stand out? Please, if you have little ones, take a second look at your pictures. Look at the pictures your friends post of their children. If you notice anything like you see here, let your Dr know. The sooner this is caught, the more likely they are to restore sight and prevent blindness. We have a cat scan on Wed to get a full diagnosis and know exactly where we stand with Caleb but they are pretty certain he is at stage 3 and not too sure surgery is an option, so it may be too late for him. Please keep him in your prayers. Feel free to share his story to get the word out there about Coat's disease.

Happy Turkey Day!

Well we made it through the day, and what a day it was! The boys turned 3 at the end of September and who ever said it was the terriable two's lied, it's the three's that are truly terriable. My mother tells me that someday soon they will return back to normal and I pray that she is right because I don't think the local Class VI (our military liquor store) has enough wine in stock to keep me sane! We are now up in Washington State and my headaches and chronic pain has not improved any and I am now seeing a new doctor. Now that I am no longer in the Army, I am also a stay at home mom. This is all very new to me and some times it can be very over whelming, especially when you are in pain. I can't really stop my mind from thinking if there was a reason for our infertility, if it were a sign that perhaps we were not supposed to be parents, a forewarning if you will. Many days it's all I can do just to keep the boys fed and somewhat entertained throughout the day until my husband comes home at night. Defiently not the one on one interaction of ABC and 123 lessons that I wish we could do thoughout the day much less trips to the park. Some days yes, but those days are far and few. I do have hope. Currently I am seeing my new headache Dr every two weeks and we are trying lots of new things and hopefully at least one of those thigns will pay off. Next month marks 3 years of this illness for me. 3 years that I have had pain for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without any relief. So if you are the praying type, or even if you are not, please just send some positive thoughts this way. This mama could surely use them. Thanks!

Continuing our Adoption Journey

On 27 May 2011 we became a forever family. The day was surreal for Sam and I. For me it was a day confirming what I knew all along, that these boys were meant to be our sons. For Sam, I think it was his chance to finally breathe. Throughout our journey to become parents we have known nothing but disappointment. If we dared get excited about the fact we were pregnant it would always end with empty arms, bleeding hearts and broken spirits. While I was ecstatic to hear the news that the boys birth mom choose for them to stay with us, Sam was more guarded, waiting for the other shoe to drop.



Shortly after adoption day Sam left to meet his unit in Afghanistan. He was given the opportunity to stay here since I am having medical issues and am separating from the Army on a medical retirement. We talked in depth about what we should do and in the end decided that we know we want to adopt again and in order to do so we need a bigger home. Sammy's deployment would help us financially in order to move us into a hope that would allow us to let our family grow. A few weeks before we left Sam found an unbelievable house and the combination of a low interest rate and the builders need to sell allowed us to get our dream home. There is so much room for everyone to enjoy and two extra bedrooms, one of which will hopefully be filled with another family member.

Initially we opted to be foster parents again but on and off the possibility of a domestic adoption enters my heart. I would love to be matched with a birth mom before hand and be present for my child's birth. I still am not sure which path we will choose or rather which path will choose us. For if there is one thing I learned while having the boys in our life is that the child or children that are meant for you will find you one way or another.

We have a date!!!

This evening we had our first meeting with our newly appointed CPS adoption worker. She gave us a stack of paperwork (that I have already completed and have ready for drop-off tomorrow!) and did a quick inspection of the house. We asked the probability of getting on the schedule for the May 27th adoption date. She seemed confident that if the paperwork was completed and returned quickly there should be no problem (hence driving it down to Belton part).

Shortly after she left, Sammy went and checked the mail and a package from our attorney arrived. In it were the court papers and a letter informing us that we have been given a final hearing/adoption date of 27 May! We couldn't be happier, yes we wanted it to happen as soon as possible but this week Sam's unit approved him to stay home until the adoption was done IF it was completed in May. Most of his unit is leaving for Afghanistan this month and next month.

This means Daddy is going to be able to be here for adoption day and I couldn't ask for anything more. I know this means so much for him too. I just can't believe that this day is finally coming for us, after all we have been through we are going to be a real, certified family and no one can take it away! This news is just the beginning of a great weekend. On Sunday, the boys are going to be baptized. Friends and family will join us to dedicate the boys to God. Bio family will also join us in the celebration! One month from now I can post all the pics I want of my babies!

It's been so long...

Since I have last posted. I guess I kind of got scared thinking of getting so involved with the boys and our life together and the possibility of them being taken away from us that I kind of let the blog go. Well so much has happened in the last couple of months. In November, bio mom decided that she wanted us to adopt the boys. She felt that the best place for them was with us. I can't even describe the feelings I had that day. Prior to her telling us that CPS called and left a message on my phone telling me they needed to see Sam and I after the boys weekly visit and that it was very important. I of course thought of the worst possible senerios. I am so happy that I was wrong.

We just went to court last month and the judge officially took away bio mom's and dad's rights. Bio dad failed to complete any of the classes, pay child support or even contact CPS. Now we just wait 90 days to make sure no one challanges us for rights then we can finalize.

We hope that Sammy will be able to be here for adoption day. We wanted to make sure that we stayed here at Fort Hood so that the boys can continue to be around their siblings (who went back home to bio mom last month!) but in order to do that Sam had to transfer to a unit that is deploying to Afghanistan in May. There may be a chance of his unit letting him deploy later, allowing him to be present but if not we are going to SKPYE since the courthouse has wifi. It's going to be tough with him gone and two toddlers. I also worry about the bond that they share and how it will change because of him being gone for a year. We are going to do everything we can to maintain contact such as video recourded story time and online video chats. Clayton is such a daddy's boy, I know he's really going to take it hard.

I just can't believe that this is our life now. We have been through so much to get to this point and all we have known is loss and sadness and now we are filled with joy and happiness.

A lazy Saturday

As I sit here writing this Clayton is rolling on the floor pulling papers off of the coffee table yelling "ah baba baba baba" and smilling and Caleb is rolling around in what used to be a new stack of diapers having a grand 'ole time. Both of them are quite moble these days and this morning they both are putting a big smile on my face and a small tear in my eye. These are the moments I have dreamed of for years, and finally they are here for me to cherish.

I can not tell you all how much they have grown and progressed in the short time we have had them. Their personalities just shine through and we just absolutley love spending time with them. When we started the adoption process I often wondered if we could truly love a child or children that I did not give birth to, well I am here to tell you that yes, yes we can. Sam and I love these boys more than anything in this world. It's going to break our heart when they end up leaving our home and I will think about them for the rest of our life. I pray that the time that they spend with us makes a difference in their life. We love you Clayton and Caleb.

We got placed!!

On 24 March I was driving home from work and got a call from our agency about a set of 6mo old twin boys that needed an emergency placement. I called Sam and asked if he was willing to do this and he said YES! Less than 3 hours later Caleb and Clayton were at our house. Having only the nursery done at this point I was soon in the truck heading to Target to get a little bit of everything to last us for at least a couple days until I could get more time to shop.

It's been almost three weeks since we have had the boys here with us and I can truly say that we are already in love. I have to admit going from zero children to two in a flash was not an easy thing. The first week was a lot of learning and some frustrations. Thank god I had Sam here to lean on and even shed a few tears in private.

We were really hoping on adopting these two. It seemed like fate as Caleb is the same name of our sweet boy who became an angel on 13 March 2009. He would have been due in Aug of 2009 and these boys were born not long after that. However, after attending the first court date of their birth mother it seems that adoption is not going to be an option for these two, at least not with us. We have only 18 months left here in TX (or at least that is what branch is telling us) before were are moved to another post. They will most likely be returned to their mother or in the system for a lot longer than what we have left here.

It truly breaks our hearts to think of letting them go. I try to have faith and think why they would have been brought in our lives just to leave. The first thing that comes to mind is perhaps to prepare us. Sam was initally open to only one little one but last week we submitted on another sibling group. A little girl and her baby brother. I think that without having the boys Sam may have been a little more reluctant to agree on submitting on a sibling group. Now he see's that we can do it, that it can be a lot of fun and especially now that we have all the "equipment" needed for two little ones!

No matter how long they are here for we are going to love them like they were our own. We can already see such a difference in how they interact and what they can do from when they first showed up. I just have to believe that all this is happening for a reason.